HELLO!
partywithbettah
I haven't been on this thing in a LONG time, clearly. I went from updating pretty much every hour of every day to a standstill. College is...for the most part, not what I expected it to be, and what I knew it would be wrapped up into one.

I knew I wasn't going to make a shit ton of friends like everyone said they were going to. I'm not upset about it, but I knew that it was going to happen regardless. When I don't have people to feed off of that I'm close to, I have a tendency to shrink into myself. And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was so incredibly numb for such a long time. I didn't realize how turned off I was to the entire world, and it's had a big impact on the way I am right now, two months into my freshman year of college.

I haven't had the motivation to actually do something in such a long time...but that's changed in the past two weeks, because.....I met someone.

Not someone as in I'm dating them. I met someone who managed to spark something inside of me that made me actually feel things again. And the surprising and kind of intimidating thing about that is that I didn't even know I lost that part of me. And then out of nowhere, I'm spinning in circles, completely out of control because of him. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. All the emotions that have built up inside of me spilled out this past weekend and I was ready to throw up by Saturday. And my overactive imagination led me to believe that this guy who I'd become enamored with was actually into me too. I mean, maybe in the future he will be but for the moment, I've realized through a surge of hormones and over active dopamine levels that we're really just friends and the break of the metaphorical seal he caused led to the explosion of feelings that sent me into a tween girl tailspin.

I spent my entire day writing shit down in my journal yesterday and I worked myself through the bullshit until I found myself again and I didn't have a heart attack. I'm now able (thank god) to sit across from him at the moment, and not have a heart attack or wonder how my hair looks.

This whole entry is irritating me. It's on such a low caliber compared to all the shit I used to talk about, but I'm burnt out. The whole college thing is really starting to get to me and I've had to accept the fact that I can't function as well as I normally would with the lack of sleep and overall decline in attention span.

S-O-L-O
partywithbettah
It's odd to say, but I've never had a more self confident drive home in my entire life. And I've never felt more separated from the inner self conscious demons that have plagued me for years.


What I can say: It was fun for the time being, to be wanted.

The book of my life experiences is going to be the funniest shit in the world.


"Look Anna, all I can say is I was sitting there thinking to myself, 'I would rather be sleeping right now. Just let it be done with so I can go home and watch Mamma Mia'."

Goodnight.

Before my head caves in
partywithbettah
I won't think anymore. It was better when I didn't. I don't know why I thought that things would change in a matter of two days.

Time together is just never quite enough
partywithbettah
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love my family.




Through the storm
partywithbettah
I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I know who I am, and what I'm capable of, and I know what I'm worth. The only one I'm afraid of now, is you.

None but us two
partywithbettah
Thinking about you leaving makes my heart hurt. Knowing that I won't be around to share every moment of our lives with one another makes it even worse. I don't know if I've ever loved someone the way I love my best friend.

The place where everything meets
partywithbettah
I love my girls. More than anything. Even when they piss me off, or say things that make me question their sanity. My girls mean more to me than money, food, water, air...everything. Because when I have them, I have love. And really, it's true that it's all you need.

Summer time is everything.
partywithbettah
Let's just say that I'm completely shocked and I can't even really develop any sort of theory on this one. I've got nothing. And I keep thinking to myself that I'm going to turn back on what I said, and not go through with it. But I'm not going to be that person anymore, the one that's controlled by self conscious fear. If I get hurt, I'll take the pain with the lesson it brings.

I won't be over eager. But I won't lose my nerve and run unless that feeling comes in my stomach. The one that tells me that this isn't right. I know that everything happens for a reason, and normally I'd be digging for the "why". The beautiful thing is that this time, I don't want to know why. And the simple fact that I physically can't over analyze this; that I'm content with just letting it happen makes me happier than anything else. =D

Mudfootball.
partywithbettah
You know how people always say when you stop looking for something, it will come to you? Well, I've realized that I stop looking, only to realize that something great might be happening right in front of my face, and just that realization alone completely dismantles any plans fate might have had in store. Because when I know what's there, I can't stop thinking about it, and it's quite obvious that my thoughts drive me absolutely crazy, and coerce me to act on a relationship that's too premature to handle my mind's big plans.

How did I start thinking about this? I saw something. A flicker of something that might make me very very happy. So this time, I'm going to pretend I have no idea what happened. Five second rule. I'm not thinking about you. Maybe I'll be able to trick fate into believing me.

Inaudible Melodies
partywithbettah
You know, every day it gets easier and easier to forget, easier to breathe, and easier to realize that life, though tumultuous at best, is cyclical it its own ways. And with that I know that eventually, tides will literally change, and things that I find ordinary will find a way to surprise me. That's what helps me know that my life isn't stagnant at eighteen. It's what proves to me even when I'm sure that I know better that I will find something else to busy my soul. Something....Ick. I almost want to say "worthy"..blegh.

I'll find, most unexpectedly, something delicately balanced between chaos and serenity.

"Unobtrusive tones help to notice nothing but the zone of visual relevancy, frame lines tell me what to see."

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