I haven't been on this thing in a LONG time, clearly. I went from updating pretty much every hour of every day to a standstill. College is...for the most part, not what I expected it to be, and what I knew it would be wrapped up into one.
I knew I wasn't going to make a shit ton of friends like everyone said they were going to. I'm not upset about it, but I knew that it was going to happen regardless. When I don't have people to feed off of that I'm close to, I have a tendency to shrink into myself. And I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was so incredibly numb for such a long time. I didn't realize how turned off I was to the entire world, and it's had a big impact on the way I am right now, two months into my freshman year of college.
I haven't had the motivation to actually do something in such a long time...but that's changed in the past two weeks, because.....I met someone.
Not someone as in I'm dating them. I met someone who managed to spark something inside of me that made me actually feel things again. And the surprising and kind of intimidating thing about that is that I didn't even know I lost that part of me. And then out of nowhere, I'm spinning in circles, completely out of control because of him. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. All the emotions that have built up inside of me spilled out this past weekend and I was ready to throw up by Saturday. And my overactive imagination led me to believe that this guy who I'd become enamored with was actually into me too. I mean, maybe in the future he will be but for the moment, I've realized through a surge of hormones and over active dopamine levels that we're really just friends and the break of the metaphorical seal he caused led to the explosion of feelings that sent me into a tween girl tailspin.
I spent my entire day writing shit down in my journal yesterday and I worked myself through the bullshit until I found myself again and I didn't have a heart attack. I'm now able (thank god) to sit across from him at the moment, and not have a heart attack or wonder how my hair looks.
This whole entry is irritating me. It's on such a low caliber compared to all the shit I used to talk about, but I'm burnt out. The whole college thing is really starting to get to me and I've had to accept the fact that I can't function as well as I normally would with the lack of sleep and overall decline in attention span.